My thoughts right now

Ok so it’s 1:03pm on July 20th 2017.

My world is spinning as I process the fact that Chester Bennington from Linkin Park took his own life……so many people, including me, have been able to get through hell because of Linkin Park.

Let’s take a look at Linkin Park’s newest song:

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I made the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

Holding on (Holding, holding)
Holding on (Holding, holding)

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Things were too heavy for Chester & he was unable to let go of what was plaguing his mind.

I know this is going to trigger a lot of people but we need to be strong. You are not alone in what you are feeling. I ask that you please reach out to someone, anyone, if you are feeling suicidal or just need to talk to someone. Across North America you can call 1-800-273-8255

Please be safe as you morn the loss, alcohol & drugs will only temporarily take away the pain. I know many feel like counseling is a sign of weakness but it’s the opposite. It takes great strength to face your problems/past head on & learn how to cope with it all.

 

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My Thoughts

For some people, when think they of PTSD think they of people who have been to war. PTSD is now more than just shell shock, it can be for people who have suffered all sorts of different traumas like miscarriage, rape, car crash, assault, etc.

When I was younger, I thought PTSD was just shell shock but as I got older I started to learn that it can encompass a lot more.

In class, this one doctor was talking about how most of her patients have been suffering with PTSD for 10yrs+ without any help or treatment. I can’t imagine having to suffer that long with PTSD & not having any help. I understand why it happens though, society has told us it’s a weakness & that we aren’t supposed to talk about our emotions, especially the negative ones.

I believe that going to counseling doesn’t mean that you are weak, it actually means you are strong. It means that you want to address what is wrong & overcome it.

I also believe that everyone should go to counseling, it should be the norm. Starting when we are kids, we should see a counselor several times throughout our lives. We change as we grow & because we aren’t taught to properly handle our emotions, we need help navigating these changes.

PTSD poem

A poem about the loss of a child from our PTSD week.

 

On the Death of my First and Dearest Child, Hector Philips, born the 23rd of April, and died the 2nd of May 1655

Twice forty months in wedlock I did stay,
Then had my vows crowned with a lovely boy.
And yet in forty days he dropped away;
O swift vicissitude of human joy!

I did but see him, and he disappeared,
I did but touch the rosebud, and it fell;
A sorrow unforeseen and scarcely feared,
So ill can mortals their afflictions spell.

And now (sweet babe) what can my trembling heart
Suggest to right my doleful fate or thee?
Tears are my muse, and sorrow all my art,
So piercing groans must be thy elegy.

Thus whilst no eye is witness of my moan,
I grieve thy loss (ah, boy too dear to live!)
And let the unconcerned world alone,
Who neither will, nor can refreshment give.

An offering too for thy sad tomb I have,
Too just a tribute to thy early hearse;
Receive these gasping numbers to thy grave,
The last of thy unhappy mother’s verse.

Katherine Philips (1632 – 1664)

 

Poetry – Grief

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through –

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum –
Kept beating – beating – till I thought
My mind was going numb –

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race,
Wrecked, solitary, here –

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down –
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing – then –

Emily Dickinson (1830–1886)

Thoughts

I’m taking a course through FutureLearn.com called ‘Literature & Mental Health: Reading for Wellbeing’.“Find out how poems, plays and novels can help us understand and cope with deep emotional strain in this free online course.”

In the first week we talked about stress & using poetry as a way to cope with stress. In the second week we talked about heartbreak, making use of both poems & novels as a way to feel not so alone. In the third week, the one I’m currently on (yes I’m behind) is about bereavement.

It’s been slow going, not like the other courses. It’s not cause I’m not interested in the subject, I’m just finding it harder with all the videos.

In May of 2016 my Aunt suffered a Vertebral artery dissection due to going to a chiropractor. It hasn’t fully sunk in that has passed away. I see so many people from a far who remind me of my Aunt & then I have to remind myself it’s not her. Any time I see a truck that is similar to hers I look to see if it’s her & have to remind myself it’s not her driving around.

My Aunt really loved the song ‘FreeBird’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd & it’s a perfectly fitting song now.

“If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me
For I must be travelin’ on now
There’s too many places I got to see

If I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can’t change

Bye and bye baby, it’s been sweet love, yeah yeah
Though this feelin’ I can’t change
Please don’t take it so badly
‘Cause Lord knows, I’m to blame

And if I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t even be the same
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change”

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month

I & 176 Million other women around the world suffer with this horrible disease. That’s 1-10 women in Canada, U.S & U.K. However, for some women, they have no symptoms, and for another large group, they are misdiagnosed with something else, so there could be a lot more women with Endometriosis.

It often can take anywhere from 8-10yrs to get a diagnoses. There is little information on the disease & even hardly much in the way of treatment. Treatment often involves hormone therapy (like taking birth control pills non stop) to removing organs. However there is no cure, there is no guarantee removing organs or having kids will stop endo & sometimes it can make it much worse.

1-5 women with infertility issues has Endometriosis.

 

Grief poem

A Valediction Forbidding Mourning

As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say
The breath goes now, and some say, No:

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move;
‘Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th’ earth brings harms and fears,
Men reckon what it did, and meant;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers’ love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That our selves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to airy thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two;
Thy soul, the fixed foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if the other do.

And though it in the center sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th’ other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

John Donne (1572–1631)

Bereavement poem

Surprised By Joy

Surprised by joy—impatient as the Wind
I turned to share the transport—Oh! with whom
But Thee, long buried in the silent Tomb,
That spot which no vicissitude can find?
Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind—
But how could I forget thee?—Through what power,
Even for the least division of an hour,
Have I been so beguiled as to be blind
To my most grievous loss!—That thought’s return
Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore,
Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,
Knowing my heart’s best treasure was no more;
That neither present time, nor years unborn
Could to my sight that heavenly face restore.

William Wordsworth (1770–1850)