My thoughts right now

Ok so it’s 1:03pm on July 20th 2017.

My world is spinning as I process the fact that Chester Bennington from Linkin Park took his own life……so many people, including me, have been able to get through hell because of Linkin Park.

Let’s take a look at Linkin Park’s newest song:

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I made the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

Holding on (Holding, holding)
Holding on (Holding, holding)

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Things were too heavy for Chester & he was unable to let go of what was plaguing his mind.

I know this is going to trigger a lot of people but we need to be strong. You are not alone in what you are feeling. I ask that you please reach out to someone, anyone, if you are feeling suicidal or just need to talk to someone. Across North America you can call 1-800-273-8255

Please be safe as you morn the loss, alcohol & drugs will only temporarily take away the pain. I know many feel like counseling is a sign of weakness but it’s the opposite. It takes great strength to face your problems/past head on & learn how to cope with it all.

 

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Update: Trying Phoenix Tears

Another update:

Update on my phoenix tears experience:
(For the record, I’ve been doing this for 10 days now)

So I’ve been sticking on top of the phoenix tears (I have 1 CBD & 1 THC) & CBD tincture. Still sleeping so much better than I had been. My main reason for this update is for what happened last night & today. I was in a super stressful situation last night & was dreading today because I knew I was going to be throwing up lots & having diarrhea.

Well to my shock & delight, today feels like a normal day. I haven’t thrown up at all today & had a normal bowel movement. I wish I could explain how shocked I am because this is not normal at all. With how stressed I was last night, it should have taken it’s toll on my body but it hasn’t. I’m pretty sure that the only reason I am ok today is because of taking the phoenix tears & CBD tincture. I am so excited!! Yes I try to do things that limit my stress but sometimes life happens & it’s unavoidable. I’ve never known if there was anything I could do after the stress even to limit its toll on my body, normal hoots aren’t enough.

It’s still early into this experiment but I am super happy with this result & hope that this is how it is from now on if I get super stressed.

My nightmare with Citalopram (Celexa)

(Warning: There may be mistakes that I have missed, sometimes when I go to get thoughts out of my head & out into the open, they get jumbled up, something Citalopram made a million times worse. I used to rarely have an issue getting thoughts out, just when I was extremely tired or stressed)

Almost 4yrs ago I was prescribed the medication Citalopram a.k.a Celexa for my IBS like issues. I read the information pamphlet that came with drugs that the pharmacy gives you & I decided to take the chance.

Common Side effects:

  • problems with memory or concentration
  • fast heartbeats, feeling shaky

Call your doctor if any of these occur:

  • severe nervous system reaction–very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, feeling like you might pass out;

Problems with memory or concentration….I felt like Dory from finding ‘Nemo’. At first it wasn’t too bad but it progressed to the point where I would forget what I was talking about mid-sentence or if someone interrupted me. My short term was botched & to this day, it still hasn’t fully recovered. I have days when I have to ask my fiance when the last time I went pee because I can’t remember & I almost always feel like I have to pee, (after my 3rd surgery in my abdomen, it almost always feels like I have to pee), I still can forget what I was talking about if I’m interrupted.

Fast Heartbeats, feeling shaky…before starting this medication, my doctor had been prescribing lots of other medications. Citalopram stressed my heart even more than other medications (constantly starting & stopping medications). I started having my heart race when I would go from laying to standing down & in the morning, I would sweat like crazy for 5-15mins. (I still have the sweating issue, it’s so annoying). The doctor who I prescribed the medicine didn’t look into it. I ended up having to fire the guy cause he gave up on trying to figure out what was wrong with me & just pushed pills on me. I got my new doctor to look into it & he discovered that my right atrium (natural pacemaker of the heart) was now sensitive. I will forever have issues with it racing…I’m turning 30 this year.

I save the worst for last, when this happened, it was so scary, I stopped the medication right away.

Severe nervous system reaction–very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, feeling like you might pass out…For me, it started off feeling like I was weak in the muscles. Then one horrifying day when out for a walk with my fiance, I collapsed on the side of the road, no longer able to move any part of my body. I was just slumped over on myself & I started to sob, it was such a scary feeling. My fiance had to pick me up & carry me the rest of the way home.

Since then, I have since developed a nervous system issue. It will feel like I have a cut or burn on my body but there is nothing there. When it’s a burning sensation & I put something cool on it, I get relief like I would if it was a legit burn. There have been times when I was convinced I had sliced open my toe only to find nothing wrong at all with it. The pain lasts anywhere from a couple seconds to ten minutes. When I told my doctor about it, he said it was because of all the starting & stopping of medication I’ve been doing, it was rough on my system & the Citalopram didn’t help matters.

I am currently looking at doing a more natural approach, there are over 100 plants with pain killing properties. I just need to figure out how to take the plant & the dose, so far it’s just lots of reading.