Phoenix Tears Update

Wow has it really been 46 days since I started taking Phoenix Tears & CBD tincture twice daily…..time has just flown by.

Ok so like I have mentioned in my other updates, I’m still not getting physically ill when I’m stressed.

I spent an entire week outside of Nelson, B.C house sitting for my Dad while is fighting forest fires & my Uncles were on a fishing trip. Thankfully my younger sister came on the trip with me so we spit the chores in half. We had to take care of chickens & a bunch of small gardens twice a day. On top of that we had to walk from my Dad/Uncles place to the hotel we were staying in, which is about a block & a half away.

I had really bad anxiety the entire trip, it didn’t feel right & I just wanted to be back home with my fiance. I realized that I have been like that since I was a little girl, I would have a hard time at sleepovers or ask to get picked up because I wanted to be back at home.

Anyways, so despite that week of bad anxiety & some stresses because it was a bit of a gong show with instructions, I was able to get through it with minimal issues. There were only two mornings where I wasn’t able to get up in the morning to do chores but I always was able to bounce back & able to eat food & do the chores evening.

I’m just super excited that stress is no longer making me physically ill & limiting what I can do.

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My thoughts right now

Ok so it’s 1:03pm on July 20th 2017.

My world is spinning as I process the fact that Chester Bennington from Linkin Park took his own life……so many people, including me, have been able to get through hell because of Linkin Park.

Let’s take a look at Linkin Park’s newest song:

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I made the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

Holding on (Holding, holding)
Holding on (Holding, holding)

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Things were too heavy for Chester & he was unable to let go of what was plaguing his mind.

I know this is going to trigger a lot of people but we need to be strong. You are not alone in what you are feeling. I ask that you please reach out to someone, anyone, if you are feeling suicidal or just need to talk to someone. Across North America you can call 1-800-273-8255

Please be safe as you morn the loss, alcohol & drugs will only temporarily take away the pain. I know many feel like counseling is a sign of weakness but it’s the opposite. It takes great strength to face your problems/past head on & learn how to cope with it all.

 

Small Rant

Recently saw an article that advocated drinking wine for a long life & now this one about coffee. OK, moderation folks is the key here.
 
Alcohol & caffeine are more addictive than cannabis, more toxic than cannabis & are bigger gateway drugs than cannabis yet they are legal. No one asks for ID when someone orders coffee, it’s not even a requirement.
 
Hollywood promotes drinking whenever we have feelings,
feel happy = drink,
feel mad = drink,
feel sad = drink
 
NO wonder there are so many addicts.

Update: Trying Phoenix Tears

Another update:

Update on my phoenix tears experience:
(For the record, I’ve been doing this for 10 days now)

So I’ve been sticking on top of the phoenix tears (I have 1 CBD & 1 THC) & CBD tincture. Still sleeping so much better than I had been. My main reason for this update is for what happened last night & today. I was in a super stressful situation last night & was dreading today because I knew I was going to be throwing up lots & having diarrhea.

Well to my shock & delight, today feels like a normal day. I haven’t thrown up at all today & had a normal bowel movement. I wish I could explain how shocked I am because this is not normal at all. With how stressed I was last night, it should have taken it’s toll on my body but it hasn’t. I’m pretty sure that the only reason I am ok today is because of taking the phoenix tears & CBD tincture. I am so excited!! Yes I try to do things that limit my stress but sometimes life happens & it’s unavoidable. I’ve never known if there was anything I could do after the stress even to limit its toll on my body, normal hoots aren’t enough.

It’s still early into this experiment but I am super happy with this result & hope that this is how it is from now on if I get super stressed.

Week 5 – poem

Week 5 is about depression & bipolar disorder. Here is a poem shared on the first day.

I Am

I am—yet what I am none cares or knows;
My friends forsake me like a memory lost:
I am the self-consumer of my woes—
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love’s frenzied stifled throes
And yet I am, and live—like vapours tossed

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life’s esteems;
Even the dearest that I loved the best
Are strange—nay, rather, stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man hath never trod
A place where woman never smiled or wept
There to abide with my Creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie
The grass below—above the vaulted sky.

John Clare (1793–1864)

My Thoughts

For some people, when think they of PTSD think they of people who have been to war. PTSD is now more than just shell shock, it can be for people who have suffered all sorts of different traumas like miscarriage, rape, car crash, assault, etc.

When I was younger, I thought PTSD was just shell shock but as I got older I started to learn that it can encompass a lot more.

In class, this one doctor was talking about how most of her patients have been suffering with PTSD for 10yrs+ without any help or treatment. I can’t imagine having to suffer that long with PTSD & not having any help. I understand why it happens though, society has told us it’s a weakness & that we aren’t supposed to talk about our emotions, especially the negative ones.

I believe that going to counseling doesn’t mean that you are weak, it actually means you are strong. It means that you want to address what is wrong & overcome it.

I also believe that everyone should go to counseling, it should be the norm. Starting when we are kids, we should see a counselor several times throughout our lives. We change as we grow & because we aren’t taught to properly handle our emotions, we need help navigating these changes.

PTSD poem

A poem about the loss of a child from our PTSD week.

 

On the Death of my First and Dearest Child, Hector Philips, born the 23rd of April, and died the 2nd of May 1655

Twice forty months in wedlock I did stay,
Then had my vows crowned with a lovely boy.
And yet in forty days he dropped away;
O swift vicissitude of human joy!

I did but see him, and he disappeared,
I did but touch the rosebud, and it fell;
A sorrow unforeseen and scarcely feared,
So ill can mortals their afflictions spell.

And now (sweet babe) what can my trembling heart
Suggest to right my doleful fate or thee?
Tears are my muse, and sorrow all my art,
So piercing groans must be thy elegy.

Thus whilst no eye is witness of my moan,
I grieve thy loss (ah, boy too dear to live!)
And let the unconcerned world alone,
Who neither will, nor can refreshment give.

An offering too for thy sad tomb I have,
Too just a tribute to thy early hearse;
Receive these gasping numbers to thy grave,
The last of thy unhappy mother’s verse.

Katherine Philips (1632 – 1664)