My thoughts right now

Ok so it’s 1:03pm on July 20th 2017.

My world is spinning as I process the fact that Chester Bennington from Linkin Park took his own life……so many people, including me, have been able to get through hell because of Linkin Park.

Let’s take a look at Linkin Park’s newest song:

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I made the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)
(Holding, holding)

Holding on (Holding, holding)
Holding on (Holding, holding)

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Things were too heavy for Chester & he was unable to let go of what was plaguing his mind.

I know this is going to trigger a lot of people but we need to be strong. You are not alone in what you are feeling. I ask that you please reach out to someone, anyone, if you are feeling suicidal or just need to talk to someone. Across North America you can call 1-800-273-8255

Please be safe as you morn the loss, alcohol & drugs will only temporarily take away the pain. I know many feel like counseling is a sign of weakness but it’s the opposite. It takes great strength to face your problems/past head on & learn how to cope with it all.

 

Small Rant

Recently saw an article that advocated drinking wine for a long life & now this one about coffee. OK, moderation folks is the key here.
 
Alcohol & caffeine are more addictive than cannabis, more toxic than cannabis & are bigger gateway drugs than cannabis yet they are legal. No one asks for ID when someone orders coffee, it’s not even a requirement.
 
Hollywood promotes drinking whenever we have feelings,
feel happy = drink,
feel mad = drink,
feel sad = drink
 
NO wonder there are so many addicts.

Update: Trying Phoenix Tears

Another update:

Update on my phoenix tears experience:
(For the record, I’ve been doing this for 10 days now)

So I’ve been sticking on top of the phoenix tears (I have 1 CBD & 1 THC) & CBD tincture. Still sleeping so much better than I had been. My main reason for this update is for what happened last night & today. I was in a super stressful situation last night & was dreading today because I knew I was going to be throwing up lots & having diarrhea.

Well to my shock & delight, today feels like a normal day. I haven’t thrown up at all today & had a normal bowel movement. I wish I could explain how shocked I am because this is not normal at all. With how stressed I was last night, it should have taken it’s toll on my body but it hasn’t. I’m pretty sure that the only reason I am ok today is because of taking the phoenix tears & CBD tincture. I am so excited!! Yes I try to do things that limit my stress but sometimes life happens & it’s unavoidable. I’ve never known if there was anything I could do after the stress even to limit its toll on my body, normal hoots aren’t enough.

It’s still early into this experiment but I am super happy with this result & hope that this is how it is from now on if I get super stressed.

Endometriosis rant

Ok I need to rant  bit here. Another EndoSister has committed suicide in hopes of raising awareness for Endometriosis https://www.instagram.com/p/BVpl1udHJqu/

I can’t even begin to tell you how upsetting this is & I don’t even know the woman. This could be any one of us, & by us I mean 176+ million women globally. We’ve all felt defeated by this illness, angry that we’re being ignored & silenced because….what female reproductive organs are involved? Cause really that’s the only thing that makes sense.

Currently there are about 3 million women living with breast cancer in the U.S but 6.3 million women & girls living with Endometriosis. That’s 1-in 10 women. Yet there is hardly any information on Endometriosis, hardly anyone knows about the disease & the only treatment options are band-aids at best.

As it takes 7-11yrs for diagnoses of Endometriosis, the fact that someone women are misdiagnosed with something else & that some women don’t have any symptoms, there could be more than 176+Million globally with Endometriosis.

Now I feel like if this were happening to men, this would be a whole different story. People would know about the disease & there would be better treatment options. Hell even if this were something that cattle suffered with, there would be more progress. There is no way they wouldn’t investigate something that makes 5-10 cows have fertility issues.

Over in Australia there is a study being done on how Endometriosis effects the sex life of men. Seriously!?! Is that the only way we can get progress, show men how it effects them?

Birthday wishes

A while back I asked for your help in wishing my fiance a happy 34th birthday on May 11th. I hadn’t been sure how to go about doing this so I can receive your videos & I’m new to this element of tech so I have gone the simplest route.

 

I have created a youtube account & made a Brand channel. I can allow people to upload videos to that channel. So, if you have decided that you want to help me out, let me know your youtube account & I will add you to the channel so you can upload the video.

 

Thank you in advance for your help, this will be a neat birthday surprise for sure 🙂 Here is the original message with the details on what to say 🙂 Thank you again!!!!

I need your help

My fiance turns 34 on May 11 this year. I have decided as part of his gift, I want to collect birthday wishes for him from around the world. I can’t work due to having multiple illnesses, so I have to get creative for gifts.

My fiance is my world, we’ve been together for 6 years & he has stayed by my side despite all my health issues. He loves the sound of my laugh so he makes me laugh so much, especially when he knows I am having a hard day. He takes great care of me, even doing small things like making sure when I go to nap, there are two blankets on the bed waiting for me. All my friends stopped coming around when I got sick, each canceled event was a nail in the coffin of our friendship. It’s been very isolating but my fiance has stood by me through it all & helped me get through it all.

I’m still figuring out where to have all the videos sent so he can watch them. (If you have any ideas, please let me know)

 

If you would like to take part, thank you so much in advance! In your video, please include what country you live in. His name is Cory. (Sample message: Happy 34th Birthday Cory, from Canada)

My nightmare with Citalopram (Celexa)

(Warning: There may be mistakes that I have missed, sometimes when I go to get thoughts out of my head & out into the open, they get jumbled up, something Citalopram made a million times worse. I used to rarely have an issue getting thoughts out, just when I was extremely tired or stressed)

Almost 4yrs ago I was prescribed the medication Citalopram a.k.a Celexa for my IBS like issues. I read the information pamphlet that came with drugs that the pharmacy gives you & I decided to take the chance.

Common Side effects:

  • problems with memory or concentration
  • fast heartbeats, feeling shaky

Call your doctor if any of these occur:

  • severe nervous system reaction–very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, feeling like you might pass out;

Problems with memory or concentration….I felt like Dory from finding ‘Nemo’. At first it wasn’t too bad but it progressed to the point where I would forget what I was talking about mid-sentence or if someone interrupted me. My short term was botched & to this day, it still hasn’t fully recovered. I have days when I have to ask my fiance when the last time I went pee because I can’t remember & I almost always feel like I have to pee, (after my 3rd surgery in my abdomen, it almost always feels like I have to pee), I still can forget what I was talking about if I’m interrupted.

Fast Heartbeats, feeling shaky…before starting this medication, my doctor had been prescribing lots of other medications. Citalopram stressed my heart even more than other medications (constantly starting & stopping medications). I started having my heart race when I would go from laying to standing down & in the morning, I would sweat like crazy for 5-15mins. (I still have the sweating issue, it’s so annoying). The doctor who I prescribed the medicine didn’t look into it. I ended up having to fire the guy cause he gave up on trying to figure out what was wrong with me & just pushed pills on me. I got my new doctor to look into it & he discovered that my right atrium (natural pacemaker of the heart) was now sensitive. I will forever have issues with it racing…I’m turning 30 this year.

I save the worst for last, when this happened, it was so scary, I stopped the medication right away.

Severe nervous system reaction–very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, feeling like you might pass out…For me, it started off feeling like I was weak in the muscles. Then one horrifying day when out for a walk with my fiance, I collapsed on the side of the road, no longer able to move any part of my body. I was just slumped over on myself & I started to sob, it was such a scary feeling. My fiance had to pick me up & carry me the rest of the way home.

Since then, I have since developed a nervous system issue. It will feel like I have a cut or burn on my body but there is nothing there. When it’s a burning sensation & I put something cool on it, I get relief like I would if it was a legit burn. There have been times when I was convinced I had sliced open my toe only to find nothing wrong at all with it. The pain lasts anywhere from a couple seconds to ten minutes. When I told my doctor about it, he said it was because of all the starting & stopping of medication I’ve been doing, it was rough on my system & the Citalopram didn’t help matters.

I am currently looking at doing a more natural approach, there are over 100 plants with pain killing properties. I just need to figure out how to take the plant & the dose, so far it’s just lots of reading.

Week 5 – poem

Week 5 is about depression & bipolar disorder. Here is a poem shared on the first day.

I Am

I am—yet what I am none cares or knows;
My friends forsake me like a memory lost:
I am the self-consumer of my woes—
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love’s frenzied stifled throes
And yet I am, and live—like vapours tossed

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life’s esteems;
Even the dearest that I loved the best
Are strange—nay, rather, stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man hath never trod
A place where woman never smiled or wept
There to abide with my Creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie
The grass below—above the vaulted sky.

John Clare (1793–1864)